I'm Not Usually An Avid Sports Fan (Unless That Sport Involves Ryan Howard)

Get ready New York. We can't wait to beat your asses.

{Image via Sports Illustrated via here.}

Citizen's Arrest

If I ever have kids (or a spare bedroom, for that matter), I think maybe I'll hire Antoinette J. Citizen to decorate it. How fun does this look?




Bloo de doo do do doop DOOP Do do do dooo do do do do do do00.

(That was the Super Mario Brothers theme song btw. DUH.)

{Via ffffound}

The Happiness Myth

A friend* lent this book to me a little while ago. I'm only half way through, but so far it's been enlightening. If you are at all interested in the historical and contemporary ideas of happiness, that is, what we think it means to be happy in today's society and how different factors (money, drugs, bodies, celebration) affect our happiness, I'd recommend checking it out. It's fascinating, really.

"For the most part happiness consists in being willing to be what you are."
- Erasmus in Praise of Folly

(*Okay, he's a "friend". You know, a more-than-a-friend-friend? The kind that I like? Like, that I like like. [Oh my God I'm trapped in my own self created episode of My So Called Life.] But we haven't really gotten to the whole "let's name that tune" thing yet so until then, we'll just refer to him as my more-than-a-friend-friend who I like like. Or, MTAFFWILL, for short.)

Self Werth

You know what's awesome? Waking up to a $51 parking ticket on your car. When you have $25 left in your bank account, until you get paid next. Which is next month. As in, 10 days from now.

Living pay check to pay check is so much fun. Keeps you humble, you know? And skinny.

Anywhoodle, the blow of the parking ticket was somewhat tempered by the Phillie's magnificent win last night. And, how you can be angry when such a beautiful man exists in this world?

I don't care what you Utley fans say, Jayson Werth is the hottest Phillie. Hands down.

(His pants.) Hey-O!

Now if only I could get him to pay my parking ticket...

Your Monday Ray of Sunshine

What up, shitheads? (You know I mean that in like, the nicest way.) Monday can be a hard day to get through so that is why I make it a point to browse the someecards website, usually around 3pm when the thought of living for one more second seems unbearable. This week I discovered they have a blog and on that blog they had some goats.

Eey yi eey yi yo.

No. That wasn't it. They had the best Halloween costume idea of. all. time. Halloween is a tough 'holiday' for me in that while I love the idea of getting a free pass for dressing as Slutty McWhorenstien, I can never think of a clever costume nor do I typically have anywhere to wear it. So I think I'll take someecards up on their idea, buy one of their posters, wrap it around myself, and call it a costume. And if I end up sitting at home alone on Halloween? So what? I'll look down, read myself, and laugh hysterically all night long. Win-win.

Now the only problem is, which do I buy? Hm...

*Bang*

Oh, great. Thanks weather. Just when I put away the Drano.

Hear Me Now (And Believe Me Later)

It's been months now that I've been neglecting my blog. It's pitiful. Enough is enough. Shit or get off the pot, my mom would say. Well:

Thanks, Someecards, for this gem. And thanks Bekka for pointing it out.

I've noticed in reading many other blogs that there is generally a shelf life for bloggers. If you read carefully, you can actually witness people go through blogging phases. Which are very much like moon phases, except I wouldn't dare refer to a fellow blogger as a Waxing Gibbous. That's just ignorant.

Here's what I've witnessed:

Phase 1 - Total Eclipse of the Blog
(alt title: Casey Jones you better watch your speed.) In this phase, bloggers are overflowing with ideas and post frantically and frequently. Posts are witty, snappy and full of life. Could also be called the honeymoon phase. You know... you and your blog are constantly bumping uglies and frolicking about, carefree, just happy to have each other and to be alive. If you were a real couple, people would scream "GET A ROOM" and make wild "GAG ME" gestures as they passed you making out on street corners. You know who you are.

Phase 2 - Steady, As She Goes
Bloggers in Phase 2 post frequently but not as frequently as in Phase 1. Content is original, ideas still fresh but signs of weakness emerge if you look closely. Blogs and their writers may still be seen holding hands as they walk down the street, but the public tonsil hockey has ceased. The love making is polite and efficient, all clothing is folded upon removal and placed neatly in a nearby pile to be easily accessible when the task at hand has been completed (approx 7.5 minutes later.)

Phase 3 - Losing Steam (aka Couldn't Think of a Song Title)
AKA the Identity Crisis. Bloggers in Phase 3 start to question why they began blogging in the first place. You will see the following concepts/phrases in Phase 3 blog posts:

• Blogging is so self indulgent, I can't belive I'm doing this, it's so out of character for me to be masterbatory.
  
• I received a nasty comment from a total stranger who knows nothing about me and it's leading me to question my very existence as a human being leading to disallusion and hatred for blogging.
• I have nothing to tell you today so here is a pretty picture of some bullshit I found on the internet.

Bloggers can remain in Phase 3 for a long period of time and can alternate back and forth between Phases 2 and 3 quite often. Eventually many bloggers reach Stage 4. Some bloggers, however, remain in Phases 1 and 2 - these bloggers are my heros. They are Wonderbloggers with Superman/woman like powers and I admire their creativity, tenacity, and longevity. They are like the Viagra/Cialis/Levitra of Bloggers. If your blog lasts longer than 6 hours? Call your doctor and tell him that you are awesome.

Phase 4 - Kyle Quit The Band
This is usually the stage where bloggers can't take it anymore and quit blogging. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. RIP little guys. RIP.

I've been through all of these Phases approximately 1,856,003 times. And I am GODDAMNED determined to get back to Phase 1 or 2. Despite my infrequent posts, I think about writing all the time. And then when I do write, I write about not writing. WELL NO LONGER.

I'm making a pact. This will be my last post about not posting. And I will begin to post regularly (at least twice a week if not more). I will become a Wonderblogger like those I admire so much. That's not to say that I will consciously try to increase my readership. I know I've lost a lot - I mean, if you don't water a garden, the flowers die. If you don't shave your junk, you get jungle junk.

That was the worst analogy of all time.

All that is to say - I love my blog. Even if no one reads it. So I'm back little bloggy-blog. With a big fist-full of little blue pills.

Finally

Well, it's about time. You rule, Glamour.

Wild

OMG, I can't wait.

Checking In...

To let you know (if you care) that I'm back. (You don't, do you?)

(I didn't think so.)

But I am. I'm back in the good ol' US of A, feet on the ground, arms in the air, mouth open wide, causing a scene. I don't really know what any of that means. My time away was fantastic and I wasn't all too excited to return, but I did and I'm here and all is well.

While I've caught up on laundry, I haven't on sleep as evidenced by this rambling jumble of bumbly sentency scramble. Which is why I'm going to stop there. Honestly, I don't even know why I have a blog any longer. I check in every 2 weeks (more like months) write some dumb shit and make excuses like: Oh, I've been so busy! Or: Oh, I'm so tired! Or: I have jet lag! Boo hoo, woe is me, wahhhhhh SHUT UP AND WRITE.

Which is exactly what I'm doing now. The end.